You can pick your friends but you can’t pick your family…

I love my family.  Don’t get me wrong.  It is just that right now they all seem to be out to make sure I’m depressed…or insane.  Whichever, apparently.  Three days ago, my mother, in what should have been a simple, friendly conversation, calmly said something to me almost as an aside, that plunged me deep, deep, deep back into the depression that I thought I was working my way out of.  I’m back on medication and I’m no longer feeling like jumping off the nearest bridge.  (Can I just point out that if she thought she was helping, that is help that I can do completely without thankyouverymuch!)

Tonight my father called.  He means well and most of the time our conversations are ok.  Most of the time - notice that phrase.  Tonight he again assumed that my son (our oldest) is autistic.  He calmly told me that there is disability thing for Social Security for autism.  He thought that would help us out.  I paused.  This is not the first time that he’s mentioned autism and our son in the same breath.  This is also not the first time I’ve told him that our son has not been diagnosed as autistic and that i see no qualities in him (nor do his doctors) that indicate autism.  I’ve got enough going on right now with my seizure-suffering daughter without him adding this.   I’m just speechless.

Right now I have no desire to speak to either of my parents.  And I’m living with my parent’s-in-law and that has its own set of issues.  I’m going to be stark raving mad by the time we get through all of this crap, aren’t I?

Feeling hopeful and productive, kind of

Well, having made the decision to move home, even though we haven’t really started the process that that will involve, has relieved some pressure.  I know it is temporary, since it will be stressful to actually move, but at least I have a sense that we are progressing, focusing, trying to make things better.  I feel like we will be able to get back on our feet sooner, like there is light at the end of the tunnel.  I know this won’t be easy, but at least we are DOING SOMETHING.

I went and had pictures taken today of our youngest - her first and certainly late in coming.  It felt so good.  And she was on her best behavior and put on quite a charming show for the photographer.  I think the pictures are going to be wonderful.  I can hardly wait to get them but it will be about a week and a half or so.  I’m sorry I put this off; it has been so hard to get motivated lately.  I hope that is going to change.

Sorting out my feelings

I just responded to a post on my last entry (thank you Julie!) and I realize that I do really need to sort a lot out.  I suppose it is also part of “getting to know myself” but in a way it is separate.  There is a lot going on my life - well, there have been a lot of changes and a lot of issues that have come up in the last year (and then some).  I think I need to spend some time acknowledging my feelings and acknowledging my fears about what is happening.  I am trying so hard to be strong and courageous and capable.  Sometimes you have to let down your boundaries or walls or defenses and just let out the real emotion.

Jobs

Well.  I had two good interviews last week and I anticipated hearing something from at least one of them “early this week”.  Apparently, that’s not going to happen.  I suppose they could just be taking longer to decide, but they were pretty definite about when the decision would be made.  Oh well.  As for the other interview, it didn’t go as well, so I don’t really expect to hear from them at all.  Sigh.  I hate the waiting.  Well, ok - I hate this process altogether, from start to finish.  I’ve got to overcome that dislike and get a move on, looking at other possibilities.  I have an unfortunate tendency to procrastinate when I really don’t want to do something.  I thought I had made progress in facing my fears; I think I need to keep working on that.  Actually, now that I look at that last statement - that isn’t particularly kind to myself. I HAVE made progress, I think I may just be regressing a bit due to stress I’m under at the moment.

Children

My daughter is fine, though I did have to take her to the doctor yesterday for a “feminine problem”.  I feel guilty about that, but I’m really trying hard to get over the guilt already.  There’s enough of that in my life and it really does nothing for the situation around here.  I think I’m trying to be SuperMom and that isn’t good.  Nobody is perfect and it will just drive me mad to keep trying to make myself perfect.  I’ve got to accept the fact that somethings I do as a parent will be a mistake and the children, when they are grown and have children of their own, will probably do some things differently than how I’m doing them now.  That is just the way life works and there is nothing wrong with that.

My son.  I’ve been feeling guilty about him lately, particularly since the evaluation.  Friends and relatives have been great about comforting and encouraging me, trying to get me to realize that some things are beyond my control.  I’m not responsible for EVERYTHING.  I don’t know why I’ve had such a hard time with this.  I’m scared for him; life is enough of  a struggle - I’m afraid he’ll have more than his share.  And of course, I want to protect him.  I hurt for him, even though, frankly, he seems perfectly content with his life (aside from the two-year-old “tantrums”).  He’s a very laid-back boy; even at two he is much calmer, apparently, than his mother!

Financial

Of course, with the job situation, our financial situation is terrifying.  It is a wonder that either me or my husband can sleep.  Well, we’re both having issues with that (surprise, surprise).  We’re both sending out resumes now.  We’ve got to decide:

• If we can stay where we are
• If we need to sell our townhouse and move back to live with family until we can get back on our feet
• If our son needs to be in a program of some sort
• What to do in the mean time (before we get jobs)

I am scared.  I’m scared of what the future holds.  Normally, I don’t get like this.  But not knowing what we’re going to do about the house, about a job, not knowing for sure what is going on with my son, having medical issues with my daughter (minor, but still)…I’m just scared.  Scared, scared, scared.  And tired.  So tired of life being like this.  I keep thinking, “Things are going to get better” but new issues arise.

Now I feel like I’m whining.  I hope that it doesn’t come across that way.  I do truly know that it could be worse.  I have a young cousin who has 4-th stage melanoma; it is inoperable.  She’s now undergoing her second round of chemo and hoping for as much time as possible, from what I understand. But, you know what, no matter what the cause, it is NEVER fun to have your entire life turned upside down.