Being Me…

Well, having made the decision to move home, even though we haven’t really started the process that that will involve, has relieved some pressure.  I know it is temporary, since it will be stressful to actually move, but at least I have a sense that we are progressing, focusing, trying to make things better.  I feel like we will be able to get back on our feet sooner, like there is light at the end of the tunnel.  I know this won’t be easy, but at least we are DOING SOMETHING.

I went and had pictures taken today of our youngest - her first and certainly late in coming.  It felt so good.  And she was on her best behavior and put on quite a charming show for the photographer.  I think the pictures are going to be wonderful.  I can hardly wait to get them but it will be about a week and a half or so.  I’m sorry I put this off; it has been so hard to get motivated lately.  I hope that is going to change.

I just responded to a post on my last entry (thank you Julie!) and I realize that I do really need to sort a lot out.  I suppose it is also part of “getting to know myself” but in a way it is separate.  There is a lot going on my life - well, there have been a lot of changes and a lot of issues that have come up in the last year (and then some).  I think I need to spend some time acknowledging my feelings and acknowledging my fears about what is happening.  I am trying so hard to be strong and courageous and capable.  Sometimes you have to let down your boundaries or walls or defenses and just let out the real emotion.

Jobs

Well.  I had two good interviews last week and I anticipated hearing something from at least one of them “early this week”.  Apparently, that’s not going to happen.  I suppose they could just be taking longer to decide, but they were pretty definite about when the decision would be made.  Oh well.  As for the other interview, it didn’t go as well, so I don’t really expect to hear from them at all.  Sigh.  I hate the waiting.  Well, ok - I hate this process altogether, from start to finish.  I’ve got to overcome that dislike and get a move on, looking at other possibilities.  I have an unfortunate tendency to procrastinate when I really don’t want to do something.  I thought I had made progress in facing my fears; I think I need to keep working on that.  Actually, now that I look at that last statement - that isn’t particularly kind to myself. I HAVE made progress, I think I may just be regressing a bit due to stress I’m under at the moment.

Children

My daughter is fine, though I did have to take her to the doctor yesterday for a “feminine problem”.  I feel guilty about that, but I’m really trying hard to get over the guilt already.  There’s enough of that in my life and it really does nothing for the situation around here.  I think I’m trying to be SuperMom and that isn’t good.  Nobody is perfect and it will just drive me mad to keep trying to make myself perfect.  I’ve got to accept the fact that somethings I do as a parent will be a mistake and the children, when they are grown and have children of their own, will probably do some things differently than how I’m doing them now.  That is just the way life works and there is nothing wrong with that.

My son.  I’ve been feeling guilty about him lately, particularly since the evaluation.  Friends and relatives have been great about comforting and encouraging me, trying to get me to realize that some things are beyond my control.  I’m not responsible for EVERYTHING.  I don’t know why I’ve had such a hard time with this.  I’m scared for him; life is enough of  a struggle - I’m afraid he’ll have more than his share.  And of course, I want to protect him.  I hurt for him, even though, frankly, he seems perfectly content with his life (aside from the two-year-old “tantrums”).  He’s a very laid-back boy; even at two he is much calmer, apparently, than his mother!

Financial

Of course, with the job situation, our financial situation is terrifying.  It is a wonder that either me or my husband can sleep.  Well, we’re both having issues with that (surprise, surprise).  We’re both sending out resumes now.  We’ve got to decide:

• If we can stay where we are
• If we need to sell our townhouse and move back to live with family until we can get back on our feet
• If our son needs to be in a program of some sort
• What to do in the mean time (before we get jobs)

I am scared.  I’m scared of what the future holds.  Normally, I don’t get like this.  But not knowing what we’re going to do about the house, about a job, not knowing for sure what is going on with my son, having medical issues with my daughter (minor, but still)…I’m just scared.  Scared, scared, scared.  And tired.  So tired of life being like this.  I keep thinking, “Things are going to get better” but new issues arise.

Now I feel like I’m whining.  I hope that it doesn’t come across that way.  I do truly know that it could be worse.  I have a young cousin who has 4-th stage melanoma; it is inoperable.  She’s now undergoing her second round of chemo and hoping for as much time as possible, from what I understand. But, you know what, no matter what the cause, it is NEVER fun to have your entire life turned upside down.

Well, I didn’t do my blogging this morning, but it isn’t a surprise.  We had a team of people out to evaluate our son this morning.  You see, he’s two and a half and not talking as much as the doctor would like.  Ok, I’m a little concerned about that as well.  Anyway, the team arrived at 9:00 am and started the evaluation a little after that.

I know this is is a good thing, and it is for his own good, to help him catch up to children his own age.  I know that it isn’t  a slur against my mothering or anything like it, but that is what it feels like.  I feel guilty.  I feel like I’m failing my child.

Well, all I can do at this point is recognize the things that I do need to do better, the mistakes I’ve made, and the problems I’ve had, and rectify them or improve, then move on.  Focusing on the mistakes and problems isn’t going to help.  Focusing on fault isn’t helpful.  I need to take action and move on; I can’t just get depressed about this.  As a parent, I’ve got to pull myself up, dust myself off, and focus on my children.