Ok, I’m stubborn – I admit it…
But I think I’ve carried it to whole new lengths. It has taken me about four years to admit that I need help. I started down the road to depression about four years ago – with the birth of my son. It wasn’t the birth, exactly – it was the postpartum depression that followed. And our lives have just been…rocky is one way to put it…since then.
For the most part, I have grit my teeth, stood straight, and carried on like Superwoman. I’ve been supportive to my husband to husband through his depression to the best of my ability, I have carried on doing all the day to day things as best I could, and so forth.
Well, after four years of trying to “soldier on”, I’m thoroughly exhausted. I don’t have any reserves anymore and that is a terrible thing for a mother – I started to add as a wife, but my husband is a big boy and he can take care of himself, thankyouverymuch.
This week I am seeking help, help outside of family and friends. At least I do learn…eventually! We’ll see where this takes me!
Moving myself to the top of the list….
Well, actually – I suppose I’m returning to at least one that I thought I had achieved. I have decided that I need to give myself more time – that is, I need to do something nice for myself everyday again. I have apparently just stopped taking care of myself, stopped doing what I need to do to restore myself so that I can take good care of my family.
Friends of mine rescued me this weekend, swooping in just as the last of my strength gave out. They took me out, fed me and comforted me, listened to me and let me vent, let me get some of the poison, the fear, the anger, and the resentment out. They took some of the load off of my shoulders for a while and let me catch my breath.
So…I am, with prodding occasionally from my friends, going to do better. I am going to set aside time for myself every day. I am adding myself to my “to do list” – adding a block of time, even if it is short, to my schedule that is all mine.
In addition, I am also going to find a therapist. I believe that I need help now, and I believe that my medication needs changing. So I have determined that, like it or not, I need to seek someone to help me though this, someone with training. We’ll see how this goes.
They love me…they really love me!
My friends are sweethearts! I cried out for help recently and they ran to me! They gave up their weekend and came down – yes they had fun with me, but they let me vent, they gave up previous plans, and they took the time to drive for 4 hours to get to me. They took me out, let me vent, suggested ways to help myself (and outside sources as well), and generally lifted me up!
I love my friends!
