Being Me…

So.  I’ll start with Dennis the Menace.  Apparently he moved in with us when I wasn’t looking.  You see, our eldest has now pulled the curtains down - no, not just down but actually OUT OF THE WALL - twice in a week.  He has also discovered he could get in the downstairs bathroom (we’ve fixed that).  Add to that the discovery that nap time and night time are GREAT times for pulling everything out of the dresser and piling it in the bed…and it has been exciting knowing him this week.  (We’re now using a piece of plastic pipe to block him out of the dresser, at least mostly.  He can get a few things out but not everything!)

As for our little miss, she’s having quite a week as well. This one is tough.  She had her first trip to the urgent care place yesterday.  She has had several instances of … odd behavior.  Almost like “mini seizures”.  She tenses up, leans forward a bit (or jerks forward), her arms shake…then it passes and she screams.  She’s responsive afterward, and the first time she calmed down quickly.  Yesterday, she stayed pissed off for quite a while, but didn’t have a second episode that we saw.  The people at the urgent care place told us to take her straight to the ER if the episodes get longer.  They also arranged for her to have an appointment with a pediatric neurologist on Monday; he’ll ( or she’ll) do tests to see if there is any actual seizure activity going on.

What I’m doing now is feeling like the worst mother EVER.  I feel like it is something I did that caused this problem for HRH, although my other half has indeed pointed out that sometimes things just happen.  I am not going to be the cause of everything bad that happens to her and I can’t heap that guilt on myself.  Still.  Suddenly I really realize what it is to want to save your child from everything and just how helpless a parent can feel.  Whatever caused this in Sophie…I can’t stop it, I can’t alter it, I can’t do anything about it.  I’m repeating that to myself, trying to stop stressing myself out completely.

How can I  be this tired for a week and have trouble getting to sleep?  Why is my daughter (3 months old) suddenly waking every two to three hours at night to nurse again?  Will I ever sleep again?  Will I ever be able to just let my family’s words roll off my back?

I think the insomnia started big-time when I talked to my father and he started asking about our situation again, including personal finance questions.  He started hinting that maybe I needed to get a job or do something about the situation.  This despite the fact that I’ve told him I’m doing everything I can at the moment, including dealing with depression (both related to the situation and post-partum).  I swear no one in my family listens to a word I say.  I’ve had insomnia problems before but this is awful.  Just about the time I DO manage to get to sleep, my daughter wakes up and wants to nurse…not every night, but often enough I’m not getting anywhere near the sleep I need - and not enough to feel rested.  I know this will pass, but I have to wonder if I’ve got the reserves to make it through this.  Sigh.

(As a side note, I do have to say that I like this blog.  I’m venting on all sorts of subjects that I have no other outlet for right now - it feels great to get it all out!)