Being Me…

I’ve moved in with my parents-in-law.  It has been a week now.  My husband will be joining me (and our kids) but he’s getting our townhouse ready to sell.  This is an adventure.  I do love my parents-in-law, but I’ve never lived with anyone else - not since I was a teen.  As an adult, I’ve lived on my own or with my husband - that’s it.  This is going to be educational, I can already tell.

It doesn’t help that I’m tired.  That I’m worried about the way our lives are going.  That I have NO clue what I’m doing.  That I’m just trying to get a job, any job - in a field that I hate.  I just want to get on a better track and get on with trying to solve all of the issues going on right now.  Really, I suppose I need to slow down and take a problem or two at a time, not all of them at once.  Maybe then I wouldn’t feel so overwhelmed.

One thing I will say:  if someone has had their life crash about their ears, their children both have health issues, and their marriage is strained, telling them (a) it could be worse, (b) well, none of those things are life-threatening, or (c) I know someone with more problems … really, that doesn’t help.  I have begun to feel guilty for having a hard time dealing with my life right now.  That’s ridiculous.  The difficulties of others does not make my life less stressful, less difficult.  It doesn’t make it any easier to watch my daughter have seizures.  Yes, if it is epilepsy (which seems likely), there are drugs to manage it - but it doesn’t make it easier to watch an 11-month-old seize.  People around me lately have been telling me these things.  I know they mean well - I know that there ARE bigger problems in the world (look at China today, Mynamar, all the areas affected by tornados).  That doesn’t mean that the fact that (a) we are jobless, (b) we have two children with health issues, (c) the state has irritating red tape and operates at its own slow pace in terms of getting my children medical insurance, (d) I have NO home now - I have to live with my parents-in-law, and (e) I’m clinically depressed and have been for over a year now  - goes away.  Aargh.  And can I just add that pointing out how much other peoples’ lives suck is a terrible way to go about making someone feel better?

Ok.  I feel better.  I’ve vented a bit.  I know the people around me love me and are worried about me.  I think perhaps I need some time alone - just a little bit - to help regain my composure.  I’ll be fine.  I can do what I have to do and get on with my life.  I just hope that this doesn’t strain all sorts of family relationships in the process…

5/12/08

• 4:05 am - typical night-time episode complete with loud scream. Passed quickly though - within 5 minutes she was calm and back in bed.
• 8:20+ - a few head jerks
• Afternoon - head jerks, no screaming, passed very quickly

5/13/08

• 6:24 am - screamed, a head-jerk, then it was over and she calmed down and went to sleep.
• 7:35 am - a head-jerk or two, then it was over.  She leaned against me for a few minutes then wanted down to play.

I have a hard time with this day every year.  You’d think I’d find a way to let go of my issues, adjust my thinking, or whatever.  You see, I have a son who will be 3 in June and a daughter who will be 1 in June.  Yet, the cookies that my mother-in-law gave me today “from the kids” were the first Mother’s Day present I’ve received.  It isn’t that I expect diamonds and a tiara; all I’d like and all I’ve wanted since I found out I was pregnant with both children is recognition of the work that I do to nurture and raise and protect these children.  I thought my husband would take care of providing this while my children were babies; he says I’m not his mother so he’s not buying me a present.  The presents won’t come until the children are big enough to pick them out themselves.  To me that doesn’t make much sense; he may as well wait until they can pay for them themselves as well.  So…what we’ve come to is doing it way and not celebrating Mother’s Day or Father’s Day.

Every year, I get cards from each of my parents, my parents-in-law, my sister, my sister-in-law, etc.  Each year it reminds me that my husband won’t take the time to pick up a carnation or two, make me some cookies, make me breakfast, or just tell me I’m a good mother.  Not a thing.  I realize that we see this two different ways, but considering this is a day for me, it does seem like he could do things my way for Mother’s Day.  If he doesn’t want me to make a fuss for Father’s Day, by all means, I can do that.

Well, this day of irritation and hurt is almost over again for another year.  I really need to just accept this is the way it is and let go of the hurt.  We’ve talked about this since before our son was born and he doesn’t see my point of view.  He is a good man otherwise so I really can’t complain but I hate having a day feeling like this and spending it surrounded by people celebrating and being happy and so forth.  I hate it when people ask me about my mother’s day because I have to say “We don’t celebrate that.”  The looks I get are certainly odd.  I guess that  I will work out something.  Maybe venting here will be enough to work this out of my system.  God knows that there are much more serious problems out there than my feelings being hurt.   I do realize that - really.  It is just so unusual for my husband and I to be at such odds on a subject.  For him to really completely miss my point.  For him to completely miss how important this was to me and how much it bothers me.

Ok.  This is my vent post.  This is my getting my thoughts, my hurt, my irritation, my puzzlement out of my system.  Tomorrow is another day and I will move on and take care of the serious issues in my life.